I am giving a new antiperspirant a whirl, which, frankly, is exactly the sort of detail of my life that I generally opt to spare you because...really. Should groping around for content leave us with no manners or dignity whatsoever? And yet, here we are.

My office is airless. Well, not entirely, of course. I mean, I can breathe and everything, but there are no healthful breezes wafting through. There is a vent that is meant to address this issue, but it is directly over my head and having it open is like sitting beneath my own personal arctic front, so I have had the vent closed and sealed. There is resultant sweating. I'm sorry to mention it, but there's no getting around it. It has been very vexing. And damp.

Enter: new, extra formidable antiperspirant. I am sure it causes cancer, but I can only address one problem at a time. Having never used it, I wasn't too sure what it was supposed to be like. It looks basically like a regular stick-type deodorant, but with a sort of plastic cage over it. Down near the bottom of the container I can see what looks like the regular stick substance, but it is at least two inches away from the protective cage, which is a rounded plastic thing full of little holes, which I suppose it to prevent using too much at once. The instructions say that you're supposed to turn the dial one notch to distribute the appropriate amount. Furthermore, you're supposed to apply it at night so that it has more time to stealthily give you cancer while you sleep.

For a couple of days, I've been faithfully dialing. Nothing much seems to happen when I turn the dial, but I figured there was maybe some kind of vapor technology at work? I dialed, I applied the approved two strokes per pit and then...continued to sweat. Sigh. I figured maybe it was a thing that had a cumulative effect, so continued dialing and applying.

Only last night did it occur to me that maybe something was malfunctioning. Why would all the stuff be sitting at the bottom? Why would dialing and/or a plastic thing full of holes be required for vapor technology? I turned the whole thing over and gave it a dozen hard whacks. Sure enough, the actual substance moved to the top of the tube and, with a turn of the dial, a little bit squeezed out of the holes in the cage, garlic-press style, producing the approved dosage. The approved dosage of an actual thing. Not the approved dosage of nothing, which is exactly what I have been very carefully and responsibly applying to myself for days.

The Emperor's New Deodorant.

I would have had the same results had I been carefully rubbing a spork under my arms at bedtime.

I had trouble falling asleep last night what with all the laughing.