Things I'm Afraid Of (an incomplete list)
Why are not more people afraid of cats? They are sneaky and full of claws. They want nothing more than to leap upon you when you're not paying attention. There is nothing else that people would be all "yeah, that's cool" if it jumped on you regularly when you weren't paying attention. Nothing. So why do cats get this weird free pass? Well, not with me they don't.
Stairs should not move. That is all.
- "Fun" things in which you don't really have control of your feet
*Sliding whimsically across wooden floors in socks
*Descending a trail that has skittery rocks and/or slippery mud on it
- Random or enormous dogs
I don't want to deal with the dogs of strangers because, quite obviously, they might bite me. Or jump on me (see cats). Or just, like, bark at me, which freaks me out. What? You're just walking down the street and someone starts suddenly yelling at you in a language you don't speak and you're saying that wouldn't freak you out? You, sir, are a liar.
Look. I don't know you or your dog. So, why don't you reel that leash in? Theeeeerrree you go. (Really, these leashes that allow you to be about a block away from your dog? Those are not reassuring to me.)
Even if you are my best friend and you have a Great Dane or a St. Bernard or a Rotweiller or something, I am always going to be afraid of your dog. Sorry. Have you considered a border collie? They're nice. Also, thank you for not having a cat.
- Spiders biting my face
This may seem like a concern so remote as to merit none of my time. Ha. Shows how much you know.
- Being very old.
The alternative is to die before being very old. Also not great.
- Things that involve hurling yourself from one place to another. I have never done these things. Obviously.
- Aligators. Actually, you know what? Animals of almost any kind.
That will make the list considerably shorter.
- Never getting married.
- Getting married only to find I totally hate having another person in my house.
- Scuba diving.
I have never done this, but I once had a major freak out while snorkeling quite close to the beach, so I assume being leagues under the sea where I am not naturally equipped to breathe would be, um, not my favorite thing.
I like swimming. And you just never know.
- Rope bridges
Well, not in theory. of course. I'm all for people finding a way to connect one side of a howling crevasse to another if they need to. This side of the crevasse seems pretty nice. though. Should I just wait for you here? Also, if I have to cross it, because my side is crawling with cats or something, you know the guy behind me will be one of those jumping up and down guys for whom just making it alive across a bridge is not sufficiently exciting (see Ferris Wheel).
- Being raped and/or murdered
I don't spend a lot of time thinking about this, because I'm occupied with the ridiculous number of escalators that are all over the damn place, but still. If you are reading this, please do not rape and/or murder me.
- Roller coasters.
This surprises no one.
- Also Ferris Wheels if you are with some jerk who has to rock the carriage back and forth.
We are already high off the ground. Let that be enough. If you want to rock back and forth, there are chairs for that. Down on the ground.
- Trivial Pursuit
I am really, really bad at Trivial Pursuit, but I think I seem like maybe I wouldn't be? I'd rather people just assume I know lots of things. Like where countries are located and when major wars occurred.
- People throwing things at me.
So, basically 90% of "fun" games to be played outdoors.
- Having no friends because I made this list.
You're all, "Jesus. I knew she was lame, but I didn't realize how lame. Let's never invite her to anything ever again. Oh, hey. That reminds me. Are you guys going to that para-scuba cat-rescue party later? You know that field on the edge of the cliff right over the rope bridge? There's gonna be a sweet frisbee game there first."